When it comes to dating, what do you think works best for attracting a man – and making him want to commit? Because you’ve outlined the central dilemma that most of my smart, strong, successful clients face: should I be a bitch or a nice girl? ” Sorry, but the world is grey and these are weak straw-man arguments that women use to defend why they need a man who is taller, smarter, richer, funnier, etc. Men don’t need women who are taller, smarter, richer and funnier, and the fact that women think they do – as if anything else is “settling” – is the main source of the problem. I feel like its bad karmic energy but I also feel like nothing is owed to anyone after 1 date, I shouldn’t have to break up with a guy that I am not dating.In the world of dating advice, there are two opposite schools of thought on the subject: one is coming from the likes of Sherry Argov’s “Why Men Love Bitches” where the “nice girls” get passed over the more edgy, less giving women; and the other is from Tracy Mc Millan’s “Why You Are Not Married”, proclaiming that kindness gets you to the altar and the “nice girls” finish first with the ring on their left hand. The people who are happily married all figured out which trade-offs were worth it. It tells them to have boundaries, so as to avoid the fate of all the women who read “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Anyone who tells you that this will make you a doormat (as opposed to the perfect wife), has absolutely no understanding of what makes men tick. How we feel around you determines whether we want to stick around for life. Example (one of many) is that cooking for a man is a sign of caring and nurturing from Mc Millan’s point of view, whereas it’s a number one sign of a doormat from the Argov’s. The people who have not figured out their tradeoffs still struggle. If you have boundaries, you won’t sleep with a guy until he’s exclusive. I can assure you that if you interpreted the Argov book to mean “don’t support his dreams, don’t accept his flaws, don’t laugh at his jokes, don’t let him be himself, don’t cook him dinner, don’t give him oral sex,” you’ve got it 100% wrong. ” When I tell you that if you have your own money, you don’t need a man to make more than you, it becomes, “Oh, so I should find myself some slacker deadbeat who can’t support himself? Why is it that when I am being a bitch, aka ignoring men that I have no interest in going out with again, men won’t leave me alone? When I tell you to dial down chemistry, it becomes: “Oh, so I should go out with someone who is entirely unattractive to me? We see fallacies like that all the time on this blog. They reduce female behavior to a binary choice, when, in fact, behavior can never be compared to an either/or proposition.If you have boundaries, you won’t stay with him for four months without being his girlfriend. And if you want a shorter way to get the formula right, let’s consider what it takes for a man to do well with women. You don’t want a raging, difficult, selfish asshole.
This is basic assertiveness – and this is what prevents you from being a doormat.
NONE of this prevents you from following the Mc Millan “Why You’re Not Married” model (which I wrote about in my 2006 book, “Why You’re Still Single”).
She and I (and pretty much every good, sane man on the planet) agree that the best way to a man’s heart is to treat him well.
If you’re trying to impress a guy into liking you, you don’t need to wait too long to read his mind.
Almost always, a guy makes up his mind about a girl within the first conversation.
Well, unless of course, he just sees you as a friend.